Stephen the Hedgehog vs. New Zealand (PART I)

Stephen woke up in a spilled box of cheerios. He crawled out and stood on his porch, which was made up of a pizza hut pizza box atop a pile of walmart bags. Stephen lived in the north district of the Macungie landfill. He picked his spines clean and ventured off to find something to eat for breakfast. Being the only Vegan hedgehog on the block, he always had to dig extra deep for vegetables and fruits. Beetles and worms disgusted him. He ate a rotten banana peel and the remnants of a bottle of expired orange zest. All of the sudden, he heard the song "Green Grass and High Tides" by The Outlaws. It was his iPhone. He didn't really like iPhones, but there were so many of them laying around the dump that he figured, he might as well try to use one. It was his friend Gunther in Miami. "Steve-O," Gunther shouted. "Yo," Stephen responded. "You better check out the news dude, some crazy shit is going down in New Zealand!" "Alright, thanks," Stephen said. "Gunther Out." Stephen tried to scroll to the news on his iPhone, but there was hardened ketchup all over the screen, so he threw it onto a heap of rotting diapers and grabbed a cleaner one.

AP New Zealand---
An unidentified man in New Zealand is facing criminal charges after assaulting a teenager with a hedgehog. Apparently an argument about goldfish crackers ended in the death of a resident hedgehog. The teenager, 15 year old Gregori Fistenquin was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was treated for minor puncture wounds and 2 fractured vertebrae. The older man, still unidentified, is facing a maximum of 5 years in prison. The hedgehog, one Harold Smith, was a decorated veteran from the New Zealand army, and an avid tennis player. Funeral services will be held tomorrow, in Smith's original hometown of Jacksonville, Pennsylvania.

Stephen bit his upper lip in anger. He knew the offender wouldn't be convicted because New Zealanders were usually racist against groundhogs and hedgehogs. He packed up a few things in a used ZipLock bag and took a taxi to the Lehigh Valley Int'l Airport. Since he couldn't speak fluent Bengali, he hitched a ride in the exhaust pipe which provided a nice warm and toasty ride. He decided to fly American Airlines because he could just ride in one of the plane's wheel wells since they never check them. Before climbing in, he saw an inspection sticker that read "last inspection: February 13, 1962." Stephen smiled and climbed aboard. He stretched his legs out and prepared for a long flight. Stephen hated airplanes, and long flights stressed him out, so he did what normal people do, he got real fucked up on highballs before takeoff.

Arriving at about 2 days earlier, Stephen was all kinds of fucked up, so he needed some drugs to take the edge off. He approached a local teenager and quickly scored some ex in exchange for a broken iPhone. By the time the teen realized the iPhone was broken, Stephen was already in downtown Wellington, tripping like a bastard. But it wasn't long before he was being discriminated against. A woman wearing a fluffy swannie looked down at Stephen and joked, "Oh look, its a prickly pear!" Instead of letting the joke roll of his back, he decided to take action. He pulled out an old-school straight razor and started slashing at the woman's ankles. "Where the fuck is the trial for the hedgehog slaying bitch?" Stephen shouted. "Wellington Municipal Court, 3 blocks down the street, agggh!" the woman cried as she tried to stop the bleeding. Stephen felt kind of bad so he handed her a roll of Charmin Ultra.